Talk:Haunted by My Shadow/@comment-24281984-20141023045404
Let’s get to it. “Eventually, I felt the need to sit down again, I came across a puddle and sat down next to it, splashing some on my face.” That second comma should be a period. “After a few moments rest, I stood up again, but a movement in the corner of my eyes brought my gaze to the puddle; barely in the reflection of the puddle, which should mean right next to me, stood what appeared to be a woman with pale skin, however I couldn't see above her neck and past her belly button.” Well, that’s a lot to see in just a reflection. Since this is presumably taking place in a dark forest (from the picture), how could the MC even see that much detail? Also, that’s a VERY long sentence. Break it into two or even three to make it flow better. The conflict here is odd and flimsy so far. Would the MC really be so scared of another human being- in an abandoned place as well- that they wouldn’t try to talk to them? What is so dangerous about a woman with pale skin? “Slinked” would be better replaced with “slunk”. Whoa, you have three straight paragraphs starting with the phrase “As I…”. It gets stale very quickly to use the same phrase more than once in a while, so change it up a little. There are many other ways to indicate something happening. Between “look” and “I was covered…”, there should be a colon, not a period. “;” Or start a new sentence entirely. So far, I keep seeing commas in places they shouldn’t be and it does slightly impede my reading of it. I’m guessing that the italicized text is the other character’s thoughts, which is interesting to see. Please correct me if I’m wrong, of course. Okay, what in the world possessed the MC to remove a watch from a corpse, especially if the sight of it alone already made him throw up? Is it a special item to him? Did he need to check the time for some reason? The decaying corpse of an animal? What kind of animal? A dog? Cat? Fox? Racoon? Sadistically killing a character for no good reason isn’t a pleasure to see. The gore here seems pretty sudden, too much so for me to be scared. Why would he kill someone over a wallet? He can get a new identity card if it was really that necessary, correct? Ask for a replacement. I doubt most people would kill someone, even indirectly, over their identity alone. Is this shadow character supposed to be representative of the MC themself? That’s what I’m getting from it. I really don’t have all that much to say about this story, even though it’s longer than your last one I did. It was kind of interesting, especially nearer the end, although the writing itself was a bit awkward and the gore seemed unneeded. Still, there didn’t seem to be a very good connection of events and the ending felt somewhat rushed and inconclusive. It’s probably not something I would read again, but with some revision, it would be a decently entertaining pasta.